“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
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Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
i’m so sick of this guy
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Oh the world we live in…
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
😂😂
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>