Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
You Might Also Like
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.