Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)

“Describe yourself in three words”

“Lazy”

[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*

Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”

Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”

It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.

Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.

Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”

I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.

Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.

I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise

Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?

Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.

[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]

11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep

*puts my hair in a ponytail

IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.

3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in

and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?

Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”

If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?

Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.

i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses

My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.

My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.

I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”

Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?

My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol