Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
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How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
They grow up so quick
Hmm, not sure about this change
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day