Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
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This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
(watching Elijah Wood in lotr, maybe the best casting in the history of cinema) Well that’s certainly one take on the character
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…