Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
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NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
my friends when i can’t do basic math
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
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Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
i choose….tongue
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga