Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.

It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.

I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies

the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star

Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.

birds and squirrels envy us

Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night

“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.

You say you like to live your life dangerously, but are we talking drinking coffee at night dangerous or bungee jumping off a bridge dangerous?

Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.

[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.

I haven’t run out of receipt yet.

Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans

horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts

We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation

if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing

Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store

*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.

3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????

Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”

*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*

“Ooh, that IS risky.”

*seductively eats two tums*

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life

A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors