“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
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ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Robert the Bruce is the worst name in history. It’s like hi I’m Bob the Tom and this is my friend Todd the Ted.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
“i am a sweet baby”
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words