Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
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not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
People clown on Sun Tzu for giving really basic and obvious advice but keep in mind that emperors and nobles at the time were drinking mercury to become immortal. I think he knew his audience.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
🧠
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
#SaturdayBears
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place