Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
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i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
I know karate and tons of other words.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
