wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
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Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes