Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
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My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*