Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
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My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Blew my mind.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle