Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I need advice.

Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.

video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades

librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh

You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping

We’re having lobsters for dinner .

Update – we have pet lobsters now

Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE

Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.

15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.

“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}

My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.

Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?

I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.

[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]

Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.

Friend: That’s my stomach.

Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.

Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.

My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.

That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.

Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”

Me, “Continue?”

*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*

ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?

HER: give me back my baby