Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
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Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
