Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system

[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks

This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart

Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr

Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples

I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.

Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???

Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately

Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am

I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …

Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…

Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.

As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter

True

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.

This is amazing.

I’m ready for Halloween this year

Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down

Me *reads the news out loud*

Spider *depressed* holy shit

Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.

Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

me: *entering the ocean*

ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?

My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up

Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage

Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?

him: chainsaw

me: then Chain needs to tell

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!

We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”

I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.

Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.