Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page
You Might Also Like
When I (vegetarian) hear the server list the specials and don’t want to hurt their feelings: Hmmm the filet mignon sounds really nice. Shrimp linguine, that I’m sure is delicious too. Let me think oh yeah I’ll have the fries.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
