Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.

I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.

Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice

[later]

Date: hi
Me: 69

The darkness in me is making me sneeze.

Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.

I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.

I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.

[McDonald’s drive thru]

ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke

HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?

Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are

ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else

HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again

me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?

3: it smells hot

Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’

Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.

“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”

Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails

Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”

Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week

Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase

alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?

INTERVIEWER: yes

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.

Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.

the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe

Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir

We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.