Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Siri: Retweet me.

What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??

I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.

Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

Therapist: what’s your support system like?

Me: about $150 an oz

My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.

Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.

I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.

How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?

SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot

Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.

Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs

hair stylist: *visibly pales

remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*

I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.

Your mother has terrible taste in children.

I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.

It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.

[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left

hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]

me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen

hitman:

I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.

Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”

Me: nah

Husb: you could create your own cult

Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god

My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.

There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.

[on my deathbed]

“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”

*dies*

[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.

Turns out I was on the mothership.

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?

[ date ]

her: i have a PhD

zombie: *jaw falls off*

Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.

Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions: