Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cat 911: what’s your emergency

Cat: my human is bleeding to death!

911: stay calm. what happened

Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her

911:

Cat:

911: hahahaha

Cat: hahahaHA

Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.

This is not a coincidence.

I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …

one of

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.

[bar]

DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…

CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

Normalize responding to work emails with:

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

Social media for large reptiles: Instagator

Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.

Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?

My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”

F Bombs for everyone! 😃

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.

Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up

therapist: so, what do you say when she says that

me: you sound like your mom

therapist: 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “

my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.

grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.

[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]

“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice

People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.

“I think we should start touching other people.”

-Blind couple breaking up.

oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]