“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
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I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
mom had nothing to worry about
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I can’t stop laughing at this
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?