“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
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[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
I cannot stop laughing at this
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?