Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.

Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?

Me: No.

*trying to remember something*

brain: put your hands on hips

Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.

Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved

This cat wants you to take your pills

Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀

In banana years, I am bread.

Me: Screams into the void

Void: screams back

Me: Screams into void again

Void:

Me:

Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you

HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING

Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man

I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.

It says: STOP

You don’t need to study the dammed thing.

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-

ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes

When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.

I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.

I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.

Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.

i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.

Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.

The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one

Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?

5:

Me:

5: You don’t need to worry about that

Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.

I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.

The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.

If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.

Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.