“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
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Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing