Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
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What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
i love meeting boys on tinder