Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
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Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners