Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
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What the hell happened in there??
it’s either covid or clever vampires
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.