Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”

The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.

Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.

BOSS: how was your weekend?

ME: oh man i got so high

BOSS: it’s against company policy-

ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon

BOSS: oh, haha well then-

ME: then the edibles kicked in

This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.

Knuckle Tattoo Idea:

* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *

Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.

Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.

My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.

Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?

4: I’m going to be a mom.

Me: That sounds fun!

4: No, it won’t be.

Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor

The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.

Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-

The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this

God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously

40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”

Bay: come over

Me: no, I’m watching TMNT

Bay: I made one too

Me: but it’s awful

Bay: come watch it

Me: who gave you my number, Michael

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.

FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT

I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.

JUDGE: That THING cannot enter

ME: But Inky is my pet

OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*

INKY NOOOOo

Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of

Table for six please?

“Is your party coming soon or?”

[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats

What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?

Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.

My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes

date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes