“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
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Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
“You can’t just erase people out of your life”
Me:
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Good morning ☺️
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual