Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.

“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels

Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.

Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”

the British: we demand to be taken seriously

also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook

my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”

David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.

not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout

“I Got a new dress for date night!”

Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*

“This is the garment bag you idiot”

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:

“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”

Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado

Barista: What’s a furtado?

Me: It’s like a bird

Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind

Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.

I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.

When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?

I’m Sold!

The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.

A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.

caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…

me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???

caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?

When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped

Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*

Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.

He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan

“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?

I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”

A tired woman is a mean woman.

Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.

*Chicken strips*

Me: *blushes*