Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
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Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Your soulmate is too smart to date you
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUGQUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME
THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-