Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks

veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer

we’re dead?

(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog

How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?

Is it four? Please say it’s four.

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully

When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old

I mean…but I did

ME: I promise it will be different this time

THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*

I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.

We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.

*lying in bed*

*drops chip down cleavage*

*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it

*also, mmmmm, breakfast*

(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

This is still funny.

Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie

Genie: *snaps fingers*

Me: …what changed?

Genie: your mom was shot in the woods

new app: may we send you notifications?

me: sure

app: *sends notification*

me: oh hell no

When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic

Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way

DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?

airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.

When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.

Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right

My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!

A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.

My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.