Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?

Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.

Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.

I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard

ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater

INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?

ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH

“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”

Interviewer:…

“Oh you mean questions about the job!”

DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?

passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”

lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”

suspect: what?

lawyer: no further questions your honor

My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*

People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.

My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”

Me: “OK.”

*takes a nap*

*reads four books*

*builds a pyramid*

Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.

Kids: LOL

Dog: LOL

Brain: LOL

Bladder: LOL

If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.

Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.

Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”

Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.

A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.

What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing

Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.