Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!

Said No Man Ever

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Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke


5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.

Me: Aw, you came to me.

5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?


Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture


Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…


mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon


*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.


If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.


8:00 Puts on lipstick and gloss

8:05 Buys coffee to ensure full lipstick removal


I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.