Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
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Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
The “research” scene in every horror movie