Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.

Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute

Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.

CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands

ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*

CDC: Also brush your teeth

WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*

CDC: And take out the garbage

WORLD: Wait what?

CDC: Go make your bed

WORLD: Stop it

CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean

Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*

yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork

The defense rests your honor.

*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*

I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”

My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic

Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

Not messing around

if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.

ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else

Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth

Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth

Bishop: no

Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:

1) Death

2) The Pythagorean Theorem

My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:

Robots…

– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up

I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.

CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated

AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit

Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”

John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?

Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.

Me: Netflix and chill?

Her: sure

Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password

Her:

Me: and don’t forget the condoms!

Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”

Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”

‘I’ll cut a bitch.’

– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure

The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.

My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.