Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
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I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:
-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40More info soon.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Jogging
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at