Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is “redacted”

KID: ████████

JUDGE: correct

“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.

Date: so what’s your love language?

Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:

12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow

Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”

[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze

My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.

you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it

First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…

Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”

The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day

I have a magnetic* personality

*Clingy and obsessive.

ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.

[my kids walk in on me being murdered]

ME: call 911

KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?

Her: How pathetic can you be?

Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.

I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

Angel: we need to make more creatures

God: why?

Angel: you killed them all

God:

Angel: giant meteor..

God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute

Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot

God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something

ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”

bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me: