Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
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I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.