“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
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When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.