Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment

I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.

Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.

There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.

pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are

“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”

-Automatic sliding doors

Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind

Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH

Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.

I would describe my personal style as whatever is on top of the pile of clothes on the floor

The legends were true

which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose

I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing

Gas stations be like:

Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.

Can someone Venmo me $74,000?

I’ll take you camping.

The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face

Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.

me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

“But you just went pee”

– A Family Vacation Memoir

My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother

Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no

[War in Heaven]

Lucifer: You must choose a side.

Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?

Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.

T:

Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…

Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women