“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
You Might Also Like
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Oops 🤭
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
I’m eating for two; me and the person I strive to be
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
crochet youtube is brutal
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway