“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
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My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.