Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[In meeting]

Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.

When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework

Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao

Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?

Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?

Interviewer: You’re hired!

‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’

I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.

I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped

ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button

ADVISOR: why

ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it

The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism

Just call and I’ll be there.

*Turns phone off*

Friend: *finger guns*

Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no

*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*

•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive

*JOB INTERVIEW*

INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.

Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.

“i’ll be back”

–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume

a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target

The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.

If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.

A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.

When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.

The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.

And then the fortune cookie company fired me

The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.

I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity

ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.

Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.

Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time

Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!

I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.

My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”

Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave

I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.