Wow 🤣
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Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
