Wow 🤣
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When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?