wow
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If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Proctology is located in A55
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Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
“our sushi is very fresh”
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At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
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New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
This kinda thing happens to me often
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This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.