Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”

What a random, consistent, coincidence

if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you

Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?

Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.

Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?

I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it

I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.

Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

They’re called werewolves.

I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.

He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down

TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red

How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?

Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are

*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.

I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.

podcasts

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.

Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.

Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*

Me: Stop or I’ll be mad

Kids: *keep doing it*

Me: Stop or Mom will be mad

Kids:*stop immediately*

First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire

My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.

[in my bedroom]

Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*

Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?

Me: I just told you