Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough

yeah 😭

millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.

Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:

Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.

Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley

Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.

Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.

House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*

Remember to recycle your pizza boxes

It’s for the Greta good

just gave your address to some spiders

The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.

It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.

Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming

I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.

Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.

Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel

My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.

Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?

Friend: we can do a mock interview

Me: ok

Friend: why should we hire you

Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu

Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.

2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.

applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

I’m like American Cheese.

Krafty and oh so single.

Also terrible for you.

GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM

Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid

Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid

maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.

*Does something bad*

Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*

I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants

“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist

[first date]

HER: ask me anything..

ME: are you paying for dinner?