Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
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Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Good morning
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
This one, by a wide margin
11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob
Me: Why?
11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes
𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it