Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
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I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Bobby pin
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.