Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
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Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago