Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i meant to share this earlier

Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry

[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?

I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.

If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…

It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.

One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan

I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.

God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine

Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved

Producer: That sounds beautiful

Guy: The new kid is also a rat

Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

Carl: Cold out night.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.

Me: Fair enough.

Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.

Me: I need an extension.

Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.

challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen

I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.

I was probably sleep-wokking again.

Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.

professor x: what’s your super power

owl: terrible memory

professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?

owl: who

I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.

Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.

got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there

ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!

wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?

I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.

Are we done? Can we go?

-A memoir.

Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that

Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.

I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?

I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.

“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”