Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was excited about this gym membership I got for Christmas, but today I found out you’re not supposed to “just watch.”

🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you

-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge

It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!

I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???

There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight

#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!

I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids

“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”

Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no

I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.

Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲

Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October

They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.

My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.

Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work

Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please

Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.

I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more

detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is

me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup

detective: what was it

me: starbucks

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.