Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
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In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
The pasta is now
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked