Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog

Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something

(Item doesn’t scan)

Me: Does that mean it’s free?

Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.

Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?

Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.

Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly.  Should have taught them to do the same with people.

[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back

Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house

#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.

Wife: There is something wrong with you

Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson

I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”

0 for 3 so far.

Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.

returning to work after a holiday weekend like

[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters

[gazing into The mirror of Erised]

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership

Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls

ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!

KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.

At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.

Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.

You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.

We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.

My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.

Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?

Bowling Ball:

My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.

explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no

piñata: harder daddy

me: [lifts blindfold] what

piñata: let me wear the blindfold