Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’

6 weeks. lol.

I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee

Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure

Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?

Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.

When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters

nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.

Well played, sir.

ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]

GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?

E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.

GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?

ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are

WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid

ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me

WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-

ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video

me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH

[Taken Nemo]

*Clam phone rings*

Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.

Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one

At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100

Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*

Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.

Me:

JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay

Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?

Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on

The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”

… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that

The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.

I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”

My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:

NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team

I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.

For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.