Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.

Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?

I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.

occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt

My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”

When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear

Stranger: Twitter is awful.

Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.

Stranger: But there are bad people…

Me: Sure, I just block them.

Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.

Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).

“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”

-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-

Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*

– cats

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.

This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”

[caught hiding something in the garbage]

gf: are you eating hot wings again?

me: no

gf: oh really, then touch your eyes

me: god damnit

I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.

Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]

Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]

Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.

Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete

Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

‘Hey look, hot dogs!’

Dogs: *blush* omg thanks

Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)

One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…

Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders

Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?

Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.

[Hiking]

Me: Want some trail mix?

Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-

Me: All from this trail!

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.

Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”

55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters

When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.