Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.

[Creation]

God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!

Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?

G: *throws a rock*

A: Sick shot!

G: Next time, apes

“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”

-first rule of Sprite Club

*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-

ope

I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills

trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs

*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is

When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat

MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done

detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is

me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup

detective: what was it

me: starbucks

Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”

Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”

The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on

A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?

Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.

🐕🍷

I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.

Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”

“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”

Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL

I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”

Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.

My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.

In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.

One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇

the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child

my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s

my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/