Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.

we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy

The probiotic bottle says there’s a billion good bacteria in every dose. How do we know they’re all good? Out of a billion can we be sure there’s not one mean ass microbe just waiting to escape the capsule and kill someone?

Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?

Me: Revenge.

If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.

Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.

I said, “Are you’re addicted?”

He said, “Yeah, obviously.”

I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”

“Probably everyone knows.”

My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.

*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*

“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”

Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.

*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*

Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend

Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.

Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician

DATE: I love heavy metal

ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium

The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.

Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.

My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.

[commercial for boiling water]

*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*

castle guard: there must be a better way!

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.

Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth

TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth