*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel
Denise please return my vape pen
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
