*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
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I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.