Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It took me three decades to become an overnight success.

Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that

WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?

trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence

I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.

5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?

And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”

two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to

My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..

me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep

my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?

A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.

cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)

roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who

me: dating is hard

me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.

…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.

Meanwhile, at the bar:

Batman: “Whisky.”

Aquaman: “Appletini.”

“WHAT?”

“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”

“You’re off the Justice League.”

her: do carrots help your eyesight

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen

To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.

*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*

Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?

MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.

you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.

I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

– Mark Twain

[1994]

dad: are you looking forward to Christmas

me: yes, i cant wait!!

dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?

A Roomba, but to shave my legs.

If You Take a Mom to Target:

If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.

Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.

👇