Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.

Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now

Bear attacking me: [bear noises]

I fall in love too easily.

Wait..

It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily

Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”

I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.

Humor: the only thing I like dry.

Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”

Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.

Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?

my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs

Brb taking my potted plant for a walk

“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”

‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’

-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.

Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.

My dad: Please let me speak to him.

Kidnapper: He’s here.

My dad: You left the fan on, again.

don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!

Oh no 😂😂💔😭

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly

The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.

[spider party]

black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here

This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like

My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS

ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.

Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!

Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.

I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.

If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.

hi, how are you?

–yoda asking how high you are