Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sneaking up behind people and marrying them

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.

HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.

Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-

-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall

[three days after inventing phone]

*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*

Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs

if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot

People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.

got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.

As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.

[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]

me: clever girl

velociraptor: what

me: …clever girl

velociraptor: I’m 26

me: sorry I-

velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here

My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.

Who does Amazon think I am?

Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …

My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.

Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.

me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?

Me when I try to be useful

Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore

me: if you love something, set it free

wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t

I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..

WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again

ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?

[dark alley]

DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*

ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?