*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
9: [doing something dangerous]
me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die
9: you’re always afraid of something like that.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
