*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
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Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”
– Midnight, a church friend
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably