I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
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Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.