Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?

ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

[1st day working at bank]

BOSS: What are you doing??

ME: I gave that man a personal loan.

BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR

[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]

Stylist: How’s the water temperature?

[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]

Me: It’s fine

Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders

Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?

ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?

USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes

Yup….perfect score!

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’

It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.

#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!

I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.

I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.

[Voter registration]

Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals

Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”

My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”

It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight

Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.

What is the deal with airplane food?

Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.

If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

[Produce Aisle]

Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.

*mouthful of like 20 grapes *

“That lady took one too!!”

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand

me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]

10: this is nice dad

me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.

10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?

me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]

Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.

[in the insect dissection room]

Your fly is open.

A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili

I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.

Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.