Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[blind date]

Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?

Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.

Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?

Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them

Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.

This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”

My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.

Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.

Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?

Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.

And to their wives. And their local fire departments.

Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.

[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!

I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going

bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?

Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”

In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.

“Laura, can you come and let me out?”

Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?

Me: garden hose is fine thanks

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.

First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.

I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.

Boss: “What companies are those?”

Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”

Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing

THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!

1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

[date]

Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards

if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.